A Week Has Passed

 

I haven't blogged for a couple of days because I have kept myself busy.

Being at work has really helped. Day one was so hard, day two was slightly easier and day three I actually wore lipstick for the first thing since he died. Today was difficult because I was covering reception in solitude and when I am alone like that my thoughts take over so today I have been quite sad.

A week has gone by since one of the worst days of my life. My friends have been unbelievable supportive and it has really helped by going to see Millie in the evening, Cola's best friend.

Yesterday evening I think we turned a corner because she was talking to me and kicking her door. Either that or it was the smell of ripe bananas but I think we are healing together.

Tomorrow, I have booked the day off work because I am going to collect his ashes from Rosehill Pet Crematorium in Market Drayton. I am not sad because it will be lovely to have him home with me.

This weekend is a busy one for us because a few things have opened up for me since Cola died and so we will be traveling here and there and more will be revealed as they happen.

Quite a few of Cola's friends have gone before him and we always used to joke that he was "the last man standing". Vegas impacted on him very much and I don't think he ever forgot him, Sevi, Morris, Sunny even the ponies he didn't interact with but were in his block - little JJ and his mum.

It's strange going to see Millie and Cola's stable is empty.

I have been remembering the good times though and have managed many laughs and smiles. So many wonderful memories to look back on, I am truly blessed.

As difficult and painful losing Cola has been and is, I have been rewarded with so so much in life which I never would have had without him. Most of all I am grateful to him for being my listener, my healer, my therapy. He got me through my cancers and the awful botched surgery by Chester Hospital, he helped me when I lost my dad and then my mum and then most recently with Covid and experiencing empty nest syndrome. He really was the best.

For now my job is to carry on living knowing that he is always beside me with Pickles and Wilbur, I just can't see him.

Normality Returns

 

I went back to work today, it felt as though I had been away for months yet it was only two days and the weekend.

I honestly didn't want to get out of bed and be faced with the fact that I had nobody to rush around after. I did get out of bed though and went to work feeling like a wreck. Everyone was amazing for which I am really grateful and as the day went on I started to feel better.

Rosehill Pet Crematorium rang me this morning to say that Cola's body had been cremated and Billy was preparing him for coming home. I have booked Friday off work and so Jason and I can pick him up. They have been amazing from the start, treating my boy with dignity. I cannot praise them enough and when Snowy's time comes she will be looked after by them.

I drove passed his field today at lunch time and it was strange not seeing him there. He has stood at that gate waiting for me for so many years. Sometimes grumpy because I was "obviously" late for him and other times pretty chilled like in this photo.

It's hard to think that this time last week he had spent a lovely day outside, I brought him in followed by his friend Millie and he was perfectly fine then when I returned later to give him his supper and medication he was struggling for breath.

I keep asking myself "what happened" "what caused this" but I found myself reading Jackie Weaver's book again which I read when Wilbur died almost three years ago and I realised that Jackie is right, they have a time and Wednesday 19th April 2023 was his.

You Were My World

 

I stayed in bed this morning until gone 10.30 something I haven't done in decades. Every Saturday and Sunday I would be up and taking my time to get down to Cola to turn him out.

At this time of year with the spring grass coming through he was always eager to get out. A week last Friday he started to take himself out, I wasn't quick enough! Giving him food before he went out was a silly idea because he would eat it quickly and always leave some because the call of the grass was a much nicer idea.

His best friend Millie is grieving for him too. I went to see her in her field today and gave her some of Cola's haylage. She kept looking at me and then at his field as if to say "where is he". Cola loved her and she loved him and its very difficult carrying on without those to whom you were so connected.

Jason and I took all of his deep litter out. We washed and discinfected his mats and the stable floor. I didn't realise how thick his bed was until it was gone and I was standing so much lower. It was hard work getting it out, we thought the spade was going to break.

Nell the farm dog kept us entertained too with her toy womble.

Jason is going to take his scratch mats down tomorrow. There are three mats which I want to keep because they still have evidence of years of scratching. There is one he didn't use and I have asked Jason to put that up for Millie in her stable.

A very strange Sunday. This time last week all was well with the world and my boy.

Just shows you that nothing is permanent, nothing and nobody should be taken for granted.

Acceptance

This was Cola taken last year, doesn't he look amazing! 

He had just had an episode of being not able to get up in his field and I thought it was his time. 

Then later on that year he was telling me he was in pain so vet consult and put him on a lifelong dose of anti inflammatories - all good.

Winter came, we got through it but until I looked at this photo today I didn't realise he had oedema. See his front shoulders? He had balls of fluid there, more on one side than the other. The vet pointed out another area of fluid on his belly along with his very swollen sheath.

Looking back at this photo, I know he hadn't yet lost all of his winters coat but he didn't look like this.

I think now that there must have been alot more going on with his old body than I thought. I was so used to caring for him, upping the care gradually and now I look back I can see just how much I had to do in order for him to keep happy.

The good thing about what happened is that he didn't suffer, he wasn't in pain.

He was surrounded by everyone on the yard who loved him, he ate a whole tub of his treats, carrots and loads of love. He wasn't happy about the vet turning up but he never was. He passed quickly and with dignity.

After an afternoon on the hill surrounded by animals which distracted me from my grief and then having talked to my friend Tena tonight I felt a shift in the balance of things. I felt release.

Cola has been released from his old and pained body and he was / is at peace.

Lost Without You

 

I woke up to a beautiful day, the sun shining through the bedroom window and my instant thought was "Cola will love to be out today". 

I keep looking at the clock thinking that I need to be somewhere but I don't, not any more I am no longer needed.

I will never be able to walk to your stable and see your head pop up in surprise and love. I will never be chatting to Tena then hear you rattle your stable door and off I would run to be by your side. I will never be able to surprise anyone, how I would leave your stable door wide open and you would stand there waiting for treats, for cuddles and kisses. I will never be able to walk to your field and see you look up and slowly walk towards me. Groom you and when I hit that special spot you would nudge me with your muzzle so gently as if to say "thats right, I like that, thank you".

One of the worst things is not being able to bury my face in your mane, breath in your scent and tell you how much I love and adore you. I did that every day.

This time last week you were well.

This time last week nothing was wrong.

This time last week you were waiting for me.

This time last week I was away from you in Cardiff. I really regret that now. If I had known that would be our last weekend together I never would have gone.

Our souls connected and when I was with Cola my mind and body were calm. He was my bestest friend in the world, he was my therapy, my calm, my peace, my safety net. 

He was my world.

My Second Day Without You

 

Every day I have had a reason to get out of bed. Not work or anything like that, I mean a reason, a purpose for me. The dogs, the children and Cola.

The dogs are gone, just Snowy left and she is the quietest most undemanding dog I have ever had in my life. The children are adults and now Cola is gone.

This morning was the weirdest feeling in the world. 

Cola was always the first thought of my day and I didn't realise that until this morning. Before I got out of bed my thoughts were of him, when I would go down to see him, what was the weather like, did he want to go out or stay in, what were other people doing with their horses, what time do I bring him in.....

The horror of life without him is starting to dawn on me.

Then I saw this from John Bride.

Angel card of the day

Today is a time to take stock of what you have in your life that you are grateful for. Life recently has been more than turbulent and we can find ourselves replaying the story; memory and worries that only in time create even more of the same situations.
To create harmony in our world we need to create a sense of appreciation for what surrounds us. Feel the happiness you have for this day, your family, children, friends and so forth. Spirit and those you love in the spirit world also ask you today to Remind yourself of the good times; replay the happiness you shared, find true joy in the memories of love you had and have. It will shift your life from worry to wellness, it will create a positive outlook that will allow you and those you love to flourish and grow; in doing this you’ll know better days are coming for all

Such a great message.

Be thankful.

My letter to Cola in Heaven;

My dearest dearest boy,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful life with me. Your sense of humour, your love and gentle ways. Your patience and compassion.

I know I always whispered to you "I love you, have a good day" as I turned you out and I loved tacking you up and walking out with you I loved your reaction to everything you saw, I noticed it all.

You are my bestest friend in the world and I will never get used to life without you but I know that you are there on a different plane, young again free of pain, no more grey hairs or itchy skin when your coat changed with the seasons.

I loved you like you were part of me, more than that, you were the best part of me.

Always there for me when I needed you, no words required just a connection of two souls.

I love you, I love you, I love you and love never ever dies. I will miss you forever but we will meet again one day in a better place.

Just thank you Cola. Thank you for coming into my life, Thank you for all of the lessons you taught me. Thank you for being my reason why. Thank you for loving me no matter what and thank you for being able to be yourself with me - no acts no pretence.

I will always be grateful for the random way you came into my life and filled my heart with the deepest love.

I love you, have a good day my boy.

Mum xx

I Started Today Without You

 

Rare picture of me and my boy

Today I started my first day in many years without my boy, my darling, beautiful boy. 

To say it was hard is an understatement, I feel as though my soul has been ripped from my body. I feel broken and empty.

Today I had to organise the collection of my boy's body. Thank goodness my husband was around to do all of this for me because I honestly don't think I could have coped.

Why have I started this blog? Good question.

I think it's my way of healing. My way of keeping my boy alive.

Her Majesty the Late Queen once said "Grief is the price we pay for love" and she was right.

It was an honour and a privilage to have shared so much of my life with this precious soul. Anyone who met him will agree he was pretty special, practically human.

We had this ability to communicate with each other but without words. I always knew what he wanted, when he was cross with me, when he was "sweet talking" me or when he wanted to me to do something for me. It was a strong close bond.

Towards the end of his life I missed riding him but I didn't want to over burden his joints which were arthritic. A small sacrifice for the pony I loved with all of my heart. Love doesn't die, it continues and will remain in my heart until....

Yes I do believe the above photograph is true. Our paths crossed all those years ago by chance, just because my best friend was a member of a group and knew I was considering a family pony and a member of said group knew her first pony was looking for a good home and because everyone (practically everyone) in the group knew and loved Cola.

He came into my life and gave me peace. He was my sanctuary. He was my home.

Now he has gone.

I wasn't ready to let him go but although his spirit wanted to stay with me, his body was tired and ready. I had to listen to him and do what he asked of me despite my selfish desire to keep him alive.

Then I saw the quote below;

To place your horse's need for you to let him leave his failing body above your need to keep him with you - that - is the greatest and purest love.

Cynthia Garrett