It has been a month since Cola left..... In some ways, it feels like a life time ago but that is because a lot of changes have happened in that short time and also, I am the master of putting my hurt into a box and closing the lid.
The problem with locking your hurt away like that is, it builds up and then when you least expect it, it bursts out of the box and hits you like a ton of bricks.
Hurt burst out of the box today and all of the things I stopped myself feeling came flooding back.
I miss him.
He was my best friend, more than that, he was my world. How do you ever get over a loss like this.
It's all the little things I miss about him. Inconsequential things that maybe only I noticed but meant a lot to me.
The way we walked out up the lane together and every now and again he would gently touch my hand, like a kiss. His snorts, his farts, his sighs and the way he would always wait at the gate to come in, then as soon as he saw me his head would jerk up to attention and in pleasure at the sight of me.
Right now, the tears are pouring down my face and my heart is filled with sorrow and pain. I need to cry and I need to acknowledge the pain so that it can be released and not put into a box to haunt and hurt me again.
This is grief.
This is love.
This is loss.
My beautiful boy, I miss you so, so much.
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