A Month

It has been a month since Cola left..... In some ways, it feels like a life time ago but that is because a lot of changes have happened in that short time and also, I am the master of putting my hurt into a box and closing the lid.

The problem with locking your hurt away like that is, it builds up and then when you least expect it, it bursts out of the box and hits you like a ton of bricks.

Hurt burst out of the box today and all of the things I stopped myself feeling came flooding back.

I miss him.

He was my best friend, more than that, he was my world. How do you ever get over a loss like this.

It's all the little things I miss about him. Inconsequential things that maybe only I noticed but meant a lot to me.

The way we walked out up the lane together and every now and again he would gently touch my hand, like a kiss. His snorts, his farts, his sighs and the way he would always wait at the gate to come in, then as soon as he saw me his head would jerk up to attention and in pleasure at the sight of me.

Right now, the tears are pouring down my face and my heart is filled with sorrow and pain. I need to cry and I need to acknowledge the pain so that it can be released and not put into a box to haunt and hurt me again.

This is grief.

This is love.

This is loss.

My beautiful boy, I miss you so, so much.

I Can't Believe You are Gone

 

I honestly cannot think of the days before you left me but then again you haven't left me have you? You are still with me but I can't see you until it's my turn to cross the bridge.

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are now you are in Heaven. I expect you have lost all of that grey hair you had and are sporting the very best summer coat, shining in the sun. 

No more tummy issues which rose their head this winter through lack of grass and you struggling to eat your hay. It was difficult trying to balance the feed out to make sure you were ok. That probiotic I got you did the trick though.

No more arthritis in your joints, I bet you can roll now and spring back up to your feet like you did in your younger days.

You are not tired either, you feel like a million pounds and those fetlocks are back to being good again. Your teeth are no longer worn and you can eat as much summer grass as you want without ever getting ill.

I wonder if there are thistles where you are. Oh how you loved those things. As I checked your paddock which I did on a regular basis, I would smile at the headless stalks standing in your field and image how you had enjoyed them.

Remember that time I took you up Daisy Lane and you found the biggest thistles ever! I was amazed as how you were able to nip them off then use the ground to break the stalks down.

Life was pretty good with you in it.

Tonight I will go to see Millie, she looks forward to a few treats and some of your haylage. Tena has asked me to bring Holly in as well so that gives me a job to do although I wish I was going there to brush you and kiss your beautiful face, bury my head in your long black mane and whisper my secrets to you.

I have a new addition to the home now, his name is Casper - yes, his name starts with a C just like you. He came to me by accident I suppose, not long after you passed. We collected him yesterday and he has fitted in quite well.

You are always in my thoughts my beautiful boy and my heart aches with sorrow for losing you but then I think how blessed my life was to have had you in it.

Love you Cola, have a good day.

Normality Returns

 

I went back to work today, it felt as though I had been away for months yet it was only two days and the weekend.

I honestly didn't want to get out of bed and be faced with the fact that I had nobody to rush around after. I did get out of bed though and went to work feeling like a wreck. Everyone was amazing for which I am really grateful and as the day went on I started to feel better.

Rosehill Pet Crematorium rang me this morning to say that Cola's body had been cremated and Billy was preparing him for coming home. I have booked Friday off work and so Jason and I can pick him up. They have been amazing from the start, treating my boy with dignity. I cannot praise them enough and when Snowy's time comes she will be looked after by them.

I drove passed his field today at lunch time and it was strange not seeing him there. He has stood at that gate waiting for me for so many years. Sometimes grumpy because I was "obviously" late for him and other times pretty chilled like in this photo.

It's hard to think that this time last week he had spent a lovely day outside, I brought him in followed by his friend Millie and he was perfectly fine then when I returned later to give him his supper and medication he was struggling for breath.

I keep asking myself "what happened" "what caused this" but I found myself reading Jackie Weaver's book again which I read when Wilbur died almost three years ago and I realised that Jackie is right, they have a time and Wednesday 19th April 2023 was his.