I Can't Believe You are Gone

 

I honestly cannot think of the days before you left me but then again you haven't left me have you? You are still with me but I can't see you until it's my turn to cross the bridge.

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are now you are in Heaven. I expect you have lost all of that grey hair you had and are sporting the very best summer coat, shining in the sun. 

No more tummy issues which rose their head this winter through lack of grass and you struggling to eat your hay. It was difficult trying to balance the feed out to make sure you were ok. That probiotic I got you did the trick though.

No more arthritis in your joints, I bet you can roll now and spring back up to your feet like you did in your younger days.

You are not tired either, you feel like a million pounds and those fetlocks are back to being good again. Your teeth are no longer worn and you can eat as much summer grass as you want without ever getting ill.

I wonder if there are thistles where you are. Oh how you loved those things. As I checked your paddock which I did on a regular basis, I would smile at the headless stalks standing in your field and image how you had enjoyed them.

Remember that time I took you up Daisy Lane and you found the biggest thistles ever! I was amazed as how you were able to nip them off then use the ground to break the stalks down.

Life was pretty good with you in it.

Tonight I will go to see Millie, she looks forward to a few treats and some of your haylage. Tena has asked me to bring Holly in as well so that gives me a job to do although I wish I was going there to brush you and kiss your beautiful face, bury my head in your long black mane and whisper my secrets to you.

I have a new addition to the home now, his name is Casper - yes, his name starts with a C just like you. He came to me by accident I suppose, not long after you passed. We collected him yesterday and he has fitted in quite well.

You are always in my thoughts my beautiful boy and my heart aches with sorrow for losing you but then I think how blessed my life was to have had you in it.

Love you Cola, have a good day.

A Week Has Passed

 

I haven't blogged for a couple of days because I have kept myself busy.

Being at work has really helped. Day one was so hard, day two was slightly easier and day three I actually wore lipstick for the first thing since he died. Today was difficult because I was covering reception in solitude and when I am alone like that my thoughts take over so today I have been quite sad.

A week has gone by since one of the worst days of my life. My friends have been unbelievable supportive and it has really helped by going to see Millie in the evening, Cola's best friend.

Yesterday evening I think we turned a corner because she was talking to me and kicking her door. Either that or it was the smell of ripe bananas but I think we are healing together.

Tomorrow, I have booked the day off work because I am going to collect his ashes from Rosehill Pet Crematorium in Market Drayton. I am not sad because it will be lovely to have him home with me.

This weekend is a busy one for us because a few things have opened up for me since Cola died and so we will be traveling here and there and more will be revealed as they happen.

Quite a few of Cola's friends have gone before him and we always used to joke that he was "the last man standing". Vegas impacted on him very much and I don't think he ever forgot him, Sevi, Morris, Sunny even the ponies he didn't interact with but were in his block - little JJ and his mum.

It's strange going to see Millie and Cola's stable is empty.

I have been remembering the good times though and have managed many laughs and smiles. So many wonderful memories to look back on, I am truly blessed.

As difficult and painful losing Cola has been and is, I have been rewarded with so so much in life which I never would have had without him. Most of all I am grateful to him for being my listener, my healer, my therapy. He got me through my cancers and the awful botched surgery by Chester Hospital, he helped me when I lost my dad and then my mum and then most recently with Covid and experiencing empty nest syndrome. He really was the best.

For now my job is to carry on living knowing that he is always beside me with Pickles and Wilbur, I just can't see him.