A Month

It has been a month since Cola left..... In some ways, it feels like a life time ago but that is because a lot of changes have happened in that short time and also, I am the master of putting my hurt into a box and closing the lid.

The problem with locking your hurt away like that is, it builds up and then when you least expect it, it bursts out of the box and hits you like a ton of bricks.

Hurt burst out of the box today and all of the things I stopped myself feeling came flooding back.

I miss him.

He was my best friend, more than that, he was my world. How do you ever get over a loss like this.

It's all the little things I miss about him. Inconsequential things that maybe only I noticed but meant a lot to me.

The way we walked out up the lane together and every now and again he would gently touch my hand, like a kiss. His snorts, his farts, his sighs and the way he would always wait at the gate to come in, then as soon as he saw me his head would jerk up to attention and in pleasure at the sight of me.

Right now, the tears are pouring down my face and my heart is filled with sorrow and pain. I need to cry and I need to acknowledge the pain so that it can be released and not put into a box to haunt and hurt me again.

This is grief.

This is love.

This is loss.

My beautiful boy, I miss you so, so much.

I Can't Believe You are Gone

 

I honestly cannot think of the days before you left me but then again you haven't left me have you? You are still with me but I can't see you until it's my turn to cross the bridge.

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are now you are in Heaven. I expect you have lost all of that grey hair you had and are sporting the very best summer coat, shining in the sun. 

No more tummy issues which rose their head this winter through lack of grass and you struggling to eat your hay. It was difficult trying to balance the feed out to make sure you were ok. That probiotic I got you did the trick though.

No more arthritis in your joints, I bet you can roll now and spring back up to your feet like you did in your younger days.

You are not tired either, you feel like a million pounds and those fetlocks are back to being good again. Your teeth are no longer worn and you can eat as much summer grass as you want without ever getting ill.

I wonder if there are thistles where you are. Oh how you loved those things. As I checked your paddock which I did on a regular basis, I would smile at the headless stalks standing in your field and image how you had enjoyed them.

Remember that time I took you up Daisy Lane and you found the biggest thistles ever! I was amazed as how you were able to nip them off then use the ground to break the stalks down.

Life was pretty good with you in it.

Tonight I will go to see Millie, she looks forward to a few treats and some of your haylage. Tena has asked me to bring Holly in as well so that gives me a job to do although I wish I was going there to brush you and kiss your beautiful face, bury my head in your long black mane and whisper my secrets to you.

I have a new addition to the home now, his name is Casper - yes, his name starts with a C just like you. He came to me by accident I suppose, not long after you passed. We collected him yesterday and he has fitted in quite well.

You are always in my thoughts my beautiful boy and my heart aches with sorrow for losing you but then I think how blessed my life was to have had you in it.

Love you Cola, have a good day.

A Week Has Passed

 

I haven't blogged for a couple of days because I have kept myself busy.

Being at work has really helped. Day one was so hard, day two was slightly easier and day three I actually wore lipstick for the first thing since he died. Today was difficult because I was covering reception in solitude and when I am alone like that my thoughts take over so today I have been quite sad.

A week has gone by since one of the worst days of my life. My friends have been unbelievable supportive and it has really helped by going to see Millie in the evening, Cola's best friend.

Yesterday evening I think we turned a corner because she was talking to me and kicking her door. Either that or it was the smell of ripe bananas but I think we are healing together.

Tomorrow, I have booked the day off work because I am going to collect his ashes from Rosehill Pet Crematorium in Market Drayton. I am not sad because it will be lovely to have him home with me.

This weekend is a busy one for us because a few things have opened up for me since Cola died and so we will be traveling here and there and more will be revealed as they happen.

Quite a few of Cola's friends have gone before him and we always used to joke that he was "the last man standing". Vegas impacted on him very much and I don't think he ever forgot him, Sevi, Morris, Sunny even the ponies he didn't interact with but were in his block - little JJ and his mum.

It's strange going to see Millie and Cola's stable is empty.

I have been remembering the good times though and have managed many laughs and smiles. So many wonderful memories to look back on, I am truly blessed.

As difficult and painful losing Cola has been and is, I have been rewarded with so so much in life which I never would have had without him. Most of all I am grateful to him for being my listener, my healer, my therapy. He got me through my cancers and the awful botched surgery by Chester Hospital, he helped me when I lost my dad and then my mum and then most recently with Covid and experiencing empty nest syndrome. He really was the best.

For now my job is to carry on living knowing that he is always beside me with Pickles and Wilbur, I just can't see him.

Normality Returns

 

I went back to work today, it felt as though I had been away for months yet it was only two days and the weekend.

I honestly didn't want to get out of bed and be faced with the fact that I had nobody to rush around after. I did get out of bed though and went to work feeling like a wreck. Everyone was amazing for which I am really grateful and as the day went on I started to feel better.

Rosehill Pet Crematorium rang me this morning to say that Cola's body had been cremated and Billy was preparing him for coming home. I have booked Friday off work and so Jason and I can pick him up. They have been amazing from the start, treating my boy with dignity. I cannot praise them enough and when Snowy's time comes she will be looked after by them.

I drove passed his field today at lunch time and it was strange not seeing him there. He has stood at that gate waiting for me for so many years. Sometimes grumpy because I was "obviously" late for him and other times pretty chilled like in this photo.

It's hard to think that this time last week he had spent a lovely day outside, I brought him in followed by his friend Millie and he was perfectly fine then when I returned later to give him his supper and medication he was struggling for breath.

I keep asking myself "what happened" "what caused this" but I found myself reading Jackie Weaver's book again which I read when Wilbur died almost three years ago and I realised that Jackie is right, they have a time and Wednesday 19th April 2023 was his.

You Were My World

 

I stayed in bed this morning until gone 10.30 something I haven't done in decades. Every Saturday and Sunday I would be up and taking my time to get down to Cola to turn him out.

At this time of year with the spring grass coming through he was always eager to get out. A week last Friday he started to take himself out, I wasn't quick enough! Giving him food before he went out was a silly idea because he would eat it quickly and always leave some because the call of the grass was a much nicer idea.

His best friend Millie is grieving for him too. I went to see her in her field today and gave her some of Cola's haylage. She kept looking at me and then at his field as if to say "where is he". Cola loved her and she loved him and its very difficult carrying on without those to whom you were so connected.

Jason and I took all of his deep litter out. We washed and discinfected his mats and the stable floor. I didn't realise how thick his bed was until it was gone and I was standing so much lower. It was hard work getting it out, we thought the spade was going to break.

Nell the farm dog kept us entertained too with her toy womble.

Jason is going to take his scratch mats down tomorrow. There are three mats which I want to keep because they still have evidence of years of scratching. There is one he didn't use and I have asked Jason to put that up for Millie in her stable.

A very strange Sunday. This time last week all was well with the world and my boy.

Just shows you that nothing is permanent, nothing and nobody should be taken for granted.

Acceptance

This was Cola taken last year, doesn't he look amazing! 

He had just had an episode of being not able to get up in his field and I thought it was his time. 

Then later on that year he was telling me he was in pain so vet consult and put him on a lifelong dose of anti inflammatories - all good.

Winter came, we got through it but until I looked at this photo today I didn't realise he had oedema. See his front shoulders? He had balls of fluid there, more on one side than the other. The vet pointed out another area of fluid on his belly along with his very swollen sheath.

Looking back at this photo, I know he hadn't yet lost all of his winters coat but he didn't look like this.

I think now that there must have been alot more going on with his old body than I thought. I was so used to caring for him, upping the care gradually and now I look back I can see just how much I had to do in order for him to keep happy.

The good thing about what happened is that he didn't suffer, he wasn't in pain.

He was surrounded by everyone on the yard who loved him, he ate a whole tub of his treats, carrots and loads of love. He wasn't happy about the vet turning up but he never was. He passed quickly and with dignity.

After an afternoon on the hill surrounded by animals which distracted me from my grief and then having talked to my friend Tena tonight I felt a shift in the balance of things. I felt release.

Cola has been released from his old and pained body and he was / is at peace.

Lost Without You

 

I woke up to a beautiful day, the sun shining through the bedroom window and my instant thought was "Cola will love to be out today". 

I keep looking at the clock thinking that I need to be somewhere but I don't, not any more I am no longer needed.

I will never be able to walk to your stable and see your head pop up in surprise and love. I will never be chatting to Tena then hear you rattle your stable door and off I would run to be by your side. I will never be able to surprise anyone, how I would leave your stable door wide open and you would stand there waiting for treats, for cuddles and kisses. I will never be able to walk to your field and see you look up and slowly walk towards me. Groom you and when I hit that special spot you would nudge me with your muzzle so gently as if to say "thats right, I like that, thank you".

One of the worst things is not being able to bury my face in your mane, breath in your scent and tell you how much I love and adore you. I did that every day.

This time last week you were well.

This time last week nothing was wrong.

This time last week you were waiting for me.

This time last week I was away from you in Cardiff. I really regret that now. If I had known that would be our last weekend together I never would have gone.

Our souls connected and when I was with Cola my mind and body were calm. He was my bestest friend in the world, he was my therapy, my calm, my peace, my safety net. 

He was my world.